As far as I remember
As far as I remember,
I have always wondered how people would react if I ever got to leave unexpectedly,
But I never thought that this wasn’t a normal thought for a 9-year-old child.
I have had to face many challenges that made my mental health drop as fast as the little girl in me faded away but I didn’t know that until I started noticing how easy it was for me to escape reality by nestling in the back of my imagination.
Sneaking through the bushes of a world I have created as a gateway from what was going on, a world where I didn’t exist.
I thought that everyone had the same thoughts as I did which made me think that it was normal to fantasize about a life where I was gone.
Till I started to be self-conscious of my thoughts that started to take over my soul to torture it; making me feel as if I have no control about what I think of, what I believed, and most importantly what I feel. Suicidal thoughts took over my life at a young age, and I didn’t know what to do about it, leading me to unhealthy coping mechanisms that made me dive deeper into my ocean of despair and melancholy. And looking back then, I realize how trapped I really was, but I was too hurt to even take a look at what i was doing to myself. I was too lost to let my soul heal instead of letting it escape its own body to look at the damages my unbearable thoughts caused to my pure soul, I was too blind to see how poorly I treated myself and how attracted I was to self-destruction instead of picking myself up, piece by piece, to find a way to cope and to deal with my suicidal thoughts.
Seeing people around me, living their life to the fullest instead of wondering how would life be if they didn’t exist, and looking all around me to see the beauty of a world I had never appreciated made me open my heart to the life I wished I never had. I was lucky enough to find a new way to deal with my unwanted thoughts, which was letting myself wander in midst of a whirlwind of beautiful fantasies and illusions, dreaming of a life I need to have. I let myself go out of my own mind to explore the real world, either by writing, reading, or doing everything that I have ever enjoyed doing before the war I had to lead.
I know that dealing with suicidal thoughts might seem arduous and difficult,
I know that everyone thinks that there’s no way out of your own mind,
And I clearly feel what you are feeling right now,
But I promise, getting out to explore what you used to enjoy, or love, will give you a glimpse of hope which will sooner or later be your motivation to wake up tomorrow in order to fulfil your heart with jubilance.
And I know that you are confused right now, you may not know “THAT” thing that would make you stay alive, but the only way to discover it, is by trying various things, and it could be anything. Going out with your friends, staying home binge watching Netflix, drawing, sport, working out, shopping, the sunsets, your favourite ice cream…Finding what makes you happy will be the reason to give you another day to live.
Written by Lina
Lina is a mental health advocate and her writes articles and poetry to give hope and support to persons suffering mental illnesses.